What Am I Hungry For? COMPANIONSHIP

So today I get home from work and decide to make myself a breakfast dinner. I am starving by the time I get home because I didn’t eat much at work.  I make a 2 egg spinach omelet, 1 pc. of toast, 4 strips of bacon and 1 hashbrown pattie.  I made the meal in silence to be aware of how I felt while cooking this food in particular.  I felt excited because I knew it would taste good, but I noticed that I kept trying to turn on the television.  My focus kept drifting to how I felt lonely and thought the tv would make me feel better and BINGO!  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I eat because I feel lonely.

It goes back to childhood.  I grew up as an only child and had to spend a lot of my time alone.  My parents did they best that they could, but unfortunately while they wanted to party, I ate.  Food and the tv became my friends.  I wanted nothing more than a sibling, but due to life circumstances I grew up alone.

Part of this void exists because I do have a brother.  He passed away when he was a baby and I was 3 years old.  Although I don’t have much recollection of him, I know I’ve grown up feeling a terrible sense of loss and isolation.  I feel unjustly titled as an only child, because I wasn’t, but by fate, I became one.

Knowing something like this is powerful because it allows me to be aware of this unmet need for companionship.  Rather than eat, or eat junkie foods, I’m going to focus on the things I can do that help heal that pain.  And I definitely know stuffing myself full of food isn’t going to doing anything but make me feel worse.

It should be noted that I actually tasted my food for the first time while doing this awareness exercise.  I loved the omelet, but the bacon and hashbrown are not as good as I previously had known these foods to be.   They tasted more like chemicals than anything.

Eventually I’ll be to a point where I only choose foods that make me feel good, but for now I have to know what those foods are.  I’m afraid that I’ve been shoveling food down my gullet to alleviate pain and it’s quite possible I never knew what these foods ever tasted like.  And that’s what I call mindless eating!

So this  experience was definitely a step in the positive direction.  I know that as I continue on this journey, one day food will become just that.

FOOD is FUEL and nothing more!

Peace, Love and Bananas

“I’ve Had It!!!”-My Journey Pt. 5

In the late Summer of 2008.  I decided to do hot yoga and walk as much as possibe.  That along with eating super healthy, I was able to go down from 217 to 192.  My weight stayed steady for a little while and then I began to party excessively.  I was unemployed, finished my Masters and moving to Korea, what’s not to celebrate?!  I ate and drank and avoided exercise because I felt I’d earned the time off to go nuts.

Luckily, I didn’t gain that much of the weight back before deciding to commit to a routine.  Hopefully Korea could help me with this, I was desperate!

Upon moving to Korea in December 2008, I weighed 192 and gained 7 lbs my first month.  ”That’s it!  I’ve had it!”  I was so upset with myself because I was taking more steps backward than I was forward.  Again I decided it was time to do something.  To lose this weight, I decided to eat well and join a gym at the end of January 2009.  At this time I weighed 199.

For the next 6 months, I worked out very hard.  I walked, I trained myself to run, I lifted weights, I did yoga and abs classes, I ate well and I felt the best ever.  I did allow myself treats on the weekends and I know that this helped me to keep going without feeling deprived.

By July 2009, I was proud to say that I weighed 167 lbs.  I wore a bikini in Thailand and felt pretty good about myself.  I was happy to wear that bikini and although I was feeling self-conscious, I know that I looked pretty good.

I took a hiatus when I went to Thailand and I went right back to my old eating habits.  Saying things like “I’m on vacation”, “I’ll get right back into the gym” etc.  I was trying to convince myself it was okay to go back to the way things had been and this was not the case.

It took me 4 weeks to put on 15 lbs and again I realized that I can’t live this way.  Seeing 182 on the scale again was a very lowpoint for me.  Still I didn’t do much to change things and continued eating, drinking and avoiding the gym.

After the month of September (drinking social event madness), I recommitted to eating healthy and going to the gym.  I went down from 182 in August to 170 in November.

I’ve maintained this 170 for the time being because I realize that no amount of diet or exercise is going to help me lose this weight if I don’t understand why I mistreat my body.

Right now I’m taking a break from the gym and trying to focus on the foods I put into  my body and how they make me feel.  Through this awareness exercise I hope to find out what my issues are and how to work on healing them.  Although, mentally I know what I have to do to be healthy, I easily undo all of my good behaviours and quite often.  This two steps forward, three steps back has led me to question:  WHAT AM I HUNGRY FOR?

Peace, Love and Bananans

“I’ve Had It!!!”–My Journey Pt. 4

In early 2007, I stayed steady at about 210.  I was taking yoga classes, hip-hop classes (wasn’t very good, but it was fun), belly dancing, and working out. Mind you, I didn’t do anything regularly or I would’ve seen results but the idea was that I was trying to get active and was doing whatever I could that seemed like it would be fun.

Of all the activities I experimented with, yoga is my love.  I realized that I’m pretty flexible and that I enjoy yoga.  My preference is bikram yoga at 38 degrees celsius.  It’s so hot that your undies begin to sweat.

In the late Spring of 2007,  I was going to Europe and wanted to look better, so I continued working out and also began detoxing.  I was eating only veggies and limited grain products, no dairy and limited lean poultry.  This diet helped me take off 15 lbs.  On my way to London, UK, I was now weighing 195 and was feeling pretty good about myself.  The purpose of this detox was to help me break away from my sugar addiction.  You don’t realize you are addicted until you stop!  Every so often if I feel I’m getting out of control, I repeat this detox to keep me on track.

While I traveled around Europe, I enjoyed the foods but made  a point not to be gluttonous and I was able to maintain my weight until I returned home in mid September.  It should be noted that I enjoyed the food and spirits while in Europe but I was mindful of servings  and calories.

Upon my return home, I was so proud of myself having survived 3.5 months away and not having gained a single lb.  And get this…after Europe I went to the Yukon to visit a friend and I ended up staying and working for 3 weeks. During this time I worked at a Fish and Chips joint and an Ice Cream store.  It’s very impressive that I was able to maintain my weight considering I had nothing but temptation surrounded me.  I believe I was able to do this because I was fairly active at work and I didn’t have time to eat.  When I did eat was a bigger meal but the meals were infrequent, and yes I did indulge in junkie foods but tried to get healthy meals in there too.

Once I returned to the demands of grad school I began piling the weight back on.  I realized that my unstructured life as a graduate student was not conducive to weight loss as I hadn’t formerly developed good health habits. It would’ve been best for me to establish these habits early so I could’ve better coped with the stresses of academia.  Trying to change your life while your brain is tweaked out from Freud and Foucault, is probably not the best idea.

By early 2008, I was back up to 210 and not too pleased about it.  By the Summer I had suffered through finishing my Masters while losing a family member.  In order to deal with the stress, I ate and ate and ate.  My weight by the middle of the Summer was 217.  I was beyond mortified, scared and sure that change needed to happen or I was always going to have a serious problem with my weight.

Peace, Love and Bananas

“I’ve Had It!!!”–My Journey Pt. 3

In the Spring of 2006, I met a dear friend.  She’s been an angel in my life ever since and I’m so grateful to have her rooting for me (believe me you don’t want to get on her bad side, she’s got arms like Linda Hamilton from the Terminator). With her support, guidance and friendship I learned that it was indeed time to make big changes and with her help I did.

In the Summer of 2006, I became more aware of my body, its abilities and my food consumption when I made a visit out to my friend’s sanctuary in the forest.  She has a cozy little cabin with all the decor of a city home but with a touch of spirituality and elegance.  It’s a place to feel comfortable, nurtured and most of all, home.

Upon my visit I took notice of the way my friend lived and the foods she ate. Other than her Dairy Milk habit (who doesn’t love chocolate?), she was a super healthy eater and I became intrigued.  Knowing that she had once been a heavier woman, I wanted to know her secrets.

While I visited, she shared her wisdom and knowledge about how I could make my body function optimally. I remember skimming a book.   “You:  The Owner’s Manual.”  I didn’t read it cover to cover, but I ordered my own copy and read enough to drive the point home.  I realized I wasn’t taking care of myself and enough was enough.  From that point I began to collect health books and became very interested in the subject.

After my visit there I started grad school.  It was now my first time away from home.  I was living on my own and no one was there to to tell me what to do. Can you guess what I did?  I started cooking.  I realized that I had natural cooking abilities and I fell in love with it.

As this was my first time in a new city, in a new school and on my own.  I began to go for walks and get more exercise.  I never realized how little exercise I had done prior to moving to Ottawa.  Although Ottawa isn’t as hilly as Montreal, San Francisco or Itaewon dong in Seoul, it was hilly enough to make me feel as if I was having a heart attack.

I remember riding bikes with a new friend I made from school and feeling so embarrassed that it was a big struggle for me to get up the hill.  I vowed to become more active and slowly I did with his help.  He got me out of the house for walks, frisbee and anything else that would help me get active.  He’s a great friend and I thank him too, for believing in me when I didn’t know how.

After learning how to cook and getting more active, I went down from 225 in early 2006, to about 210 in the Fall.  I maintained this weight and continued on my healthy journey into the Spring of 2007.

Peace, Love and Bananas

“I’ve Had It!!!”–My Journey Pt. 2

2005-2006

Letting go of my junk food comfort foods was not going to be easy, but I made the efforts and realized it wasn’t so hard after all.

I became conscious of all the late night study foods that I’d been indulging in. Eating dinner around 6pm at work and eating a snack at 10 pm, only to eat a second junk filled dinner around 1 am while studying.  Needless to say I can’t blame school, but I used it as an excuse to eat what I wanted and to not be held accountable for it.

• All the cappuccinos (filled with tons of calories and nothing but sugar)
• Doughnuts–sometimes two in one sitting
• Muffins–not-so-healthy alternatives, doughnuts are actually lower in calories
• Slices of pizza–bloated me up like a puffer fish because I had no idea I was lactose intolerant
• Pitas–supposed to be healthy but loaded with dressing
• Coke–I was the cola queen, sometimes drinking 2 or 3 500mL bottles/day
• Late night arabic food–chicken shawarmas and fried potatoes with garlic were the death of me
• Subway–is quite the healthy choice and especially the way I ate my subs but the 2 cookies and cola completely ruined my healthy meal
• Wendy’s spicy chicken meal–the only healthy thing was that I didn’t have mayo and the tomato and lettuce weren’t deep fried!

As you can see, the list could go on and on and on.  I loved food, I loved junk food and by simply reducing my intake, it made a world of difference.   Let’s get something clear, it’s okay to like junk foods.  They are addictive and some things taste damn good!  I still like to indulge in junk foods, but I now realize that I cannot afford to eat them in mass quantities because they have zero nutritional value and tons of empty calories.  Therefore I use them as treats when I feel I’ve earned it…keeping in mind I am human and to this day cannot have junk in the house or I will inhale it.  Remember baby-steps, baby-steps!

I went from 245 in the Summer of 2004 to 225 in late 2005.  I maintained this weight til the Summer of 2006, when I decided again that it was time to get serious and really do something big with the help of a good friend.

Peace, Love and Bananas

“I’ve Had It!!!”–My Journey Pt. 1

Summer of 2004:

My A-ha moment came to me when I heard repeatedly that I had a pretty face but should do something about my body.   A friend of a friend had mentioned this to me and it stung like a million bees.   Although I didn’t like what she had to say at first, it stuck with me and motivated me start thinking about things.

Summer of 2005:

The moment that really changed the way I looked at myself is when someone that I was dating told me that I was always going to be fat and that I would eventually get diabetes and that would be my life.  I thought “yeah right! No one is going to talk to me like that and think that they can tell me that I won’t ever lose any weight.”  I soon realized I was in a terrible relationship and that it had to go and I had to change.  It took awhile for me to come to that conclusion but it did finally happen.

I’m not proud to say this, but I initially starting losing weight to keep this guy. He was very fit and I thought that if I lost the weight that I could keep him.  I was starving myself and going about it the wrong way.  The most ridiculous thing was that I was going about it the wrong way and not even for myself. Although his comments enraged me, I was insecure with myself that I tried to lose weight for him and missed the point entirely.  Eventually we parted ways and it was for the best.  No one deserves to be treated like they are lesser than, and if you are being treated that way, I’m here to tell you–GET OUT!  Get out as fast as you can and don’t look back.  You are worth something and anyone who can’t see that, is only looking out for themselves and usually at your expense.

It wouldn’t be for another year that I’d get serious about losing weight.  But in the meantime I was cutting down on junk food and that meant a lot.

Peace, Love and Bananas

Enough Already!

When is the time to officially put yourself first and become healthier?  Do you wait til you can’t fit in a rollercoaster ride?  No joke, this was a concern of mine. Do you wait til you can’t see your feet?  Your clothes need to be custom-made? Or do you wait til the doctor says that you are a heart attack waiting to happen?

Often we make excuses that we don’t have enough time, energy, money, drive or that we just don’t care–but it’s time to face reality and accept that we need to be healthy to function at our best and face life’s obstacles head-on.

The time is now.  If you wait for a magic moment, it’ll never come and you’ll find yourself older, heavier, sedentary and losing your lustre.  I’m here to remind you that if you don’t realize the importance of your own health, you won’t have enough time for anything.

So stop making excuses and dare to be selfish.  If you put nearly as much effort into yourself as you do your work, caring for others or keeping your family together, you’d reap the benefits.

All I ask is that you evaluate where you are with your life and your health and ponder whether or not you are happy?  If you are not happy, than let’s think about the things we can do to get you there.

Peace, Love and Bananas

Top Reasons to Lose Weight

In case you are wondering why you should lose weight, here is a short list to give you some ideas.  I tried to keep the list light and a bit funny so that you can see that being overweight is not the end of the world, it’s a part of your life–but it doesn’t have to be.  So let’s laugh it off and get motivated to reach our goals.

Top Reasons to Lose Weight:

1. To feel your absolute best, because who wants to feel their worst?!
2. To have energy without having 2Ls of caffeine first.
3. To have a clean and healthy body, this means healthy looking and smelling BMs.
4. To be an active member in your own life, don’t take a backseat to your own life.
5. To be a role model that someone looks up to and not down on.
6. To feel sexy, you know you are!
7. To wear form fitting clothes and feel comfortable and sexy, because wearing baggy clothes is just not sexy, although super comfortable.
8. To enjoy eating yummy fruits and veggies…deep fried doesn’t count!!!
9. To feel confident and utterly awesome, because you are!!!!
10. To rediscover yourself and to stop hiding behind your armor of dead weight.
11. To make future plans and live long enough to follow through with them.
12. To be open and friendly because you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.
13. To be an agile athlete and not a comfy couch-potato.
14. To move with ease in everyday life and not complain about walking up a flight of stairs.
15. To avoid heart disease, diabetes and other diseases brought on by being overweight because it’s more fun to die while having sex in your 90s.
16. To play with your kids–and watching them play doesn’t count!
17. To travel and not be considered as oversized baggage or cargo.
18. To be in pictures with your entire body, no more head shots only!!!
19. To be picked up or piggy-backed…you know it’s fun.
20. To fit on airplane seats and not have to pay for two.
21. To fit on carnival rides and roller-coasters without fear of causing the ride to break down.
22. To fit on public transportation.  The seats seem narrow if you are bootylicious, but taking up two or three full seats is really not sexy.
23. To tie your own shoes–no more slip-ons!!!
24. To wear a seat belt because your bootylicious bum would be a dangerous projectile in an accident.
25. To drive a car without having to move your seat dangerously far back nor lift the steering wheel to the ceiling, we’ve all been there.
26. To wear a swimsuit at the beach without fear of being harpooned
27. To shop at any clothing store you want—no more shopping incognito at plus size shops.
28. To be a part of the solution and not the problem.  No more blaming McDs, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Sonic Burger, Rally’s, Taco Bell, KFC, Baskin Robbins or Dairy Queen—they didn’t force feed you!!!
29. To eat in front of others and not hide what you are eating.  No more blaming the empty pizza boxes on your dog and his poker buddies.  You don’t have a dog, he doesn’t eat pizza and he certainly can’t play poker!!!
30. To accept that you are hungry and “Damn it! It’s okay!”  It’s actually normal to be hungry and often…those of  you who aren’t, the more weight you lose, the hungrier you’ll get because your body will begin to work for you again.  Perhaps you forgot that you have a metabolism, it works, it’s there, it’s just sleeping.  WAKE UP!!!!
31. To once-in-awhile indulge in treat foods and avoid the guilt, because who doesn’t love chocolate, ice cream, french fries, etc.?  But the key is earning your treats and recognizing that cookies and other junk are “sometime foods”–thank you Cookie Monster.
32. To have a healthy and active sex life–sex is a fun way to burn calories.
33. To be the best, healthiest, liveliest, sexiest, confident and all around put together person you can be.  In case you forgot, this is your life!  Welcome!!!!

Whatever your reasons for losing weight, make sure that it means something to you and that you are doing this for yourself.   And if you are not, fake it til you make it and eventually you’ll be glad that you did…..and remember don’t take yourself so seriously, laugh a little—it burns more calories than crying!

Peace, Love and Bananas